Long before I was pregnant, or even had a regular job, I still knew that when I had kids, I would be a working mom. I am a feminist, and while I know that doesn’t mean you’re obligated to work when you have kids, it’s been a motivation for me to be my own person; I don’t want to be solely defined by being a mother. I want to show my kids that there is value in working, and that both mom and dad have an equal role in providing for the household. Plus studies show that mothers who work are generally happier, as they have social interactions outside the home, and aren’t totally bogged down by the stress of raising children full time.
The decks are stacked against women no matter what. Mothers who work, on average, make less than women without children. And we already know women make less than men. Truly a damned-if-you-do scenario.
This past winter, I had what felt like a pretty solid job, with a solid income, and it lined up perfectly with our plan to start our family. I was 4 months pregnant when they told me at work that the company was putting full time contract workers on a “6 month hiatus” which seemed like fancy speak for “you won’t have a job anymore.” My last day was the day before we left for New Zealand, and since we returned, I’ve had an odd summer of being unemployed but not quite on the job hunt, but in the back of my mind I thought that I would somehow find a job soon and I’d need to negotiate some sort of maternity leave and we’d need to find daycare ASAP.
Daycare, it turns out, is really expensive, and for a good one, the wait list is long. One we were really impressed with had a waiting list for infants up to 12 months out. How do you even plan for that, realistically? Even if we did find care available around February or March of next year, when my “maternity leave” would be over, I don’t even have a job to go back to, and the prospect of job hunting is already stressful enough without a tiny baby in tow. If we got into a daycare and I didn’t have a job, would we just lose our spot for good?
***
On the way home from the daycare center that had the organic meals and cloth diapers and Spanish immersion and 12 month waitlist, I came to a difficult conclusion and said to Alan “What if I just stayed at home with the baby for the first year?” And just like that, I’d become a Stay-At-Home-Mom.
I’m not of the mind that one way is better than the other. Whatever is best for the mom and the dad and the baby is what’s best for them. I always thought that working would be the best for us. After all, it meant better vacations! Cool designer clothes and toys for baby! Regular massage appointments for myself! But now, the choice has been taken away from me, and I’m coming to terms with not being a Working Mom.
And why does it bother me so much? I like working, and doing design, and being creative, but I also enjoy waking up and not showering; just getting on with my day. I like spending time in my home office. I like doing errands, and cleaning the house, and cooking dinner. I’m so excited about getting to spend the precious first year with my baby so closely. So why does it feel like such a defeat?
I feel like the problem is America itself. There is a toxic work culture here. 40, 50, 60 hour work weeks, deadlines, overtime, no family leave, poor health care… It seems like our worth in this country is determined by how we make money. And I’ve fallen into that trap time and time again. It seems like so many kickass women are doing the career and kid thing and being totally awesome and empowered by it. The flip side to that is that doing anything less feels to me that I’m just not measuring up to the modern women in this country if I’m not trying to “have it all.”
Then, I look at the Nordic countries, and I’m filled with envy and longing, because they put the family first. In the Nordic countries, it’s a virtue to have kids and take care of them, and it’s also a virtue to work, but it’s not an obsession. Take a look at the list of the best countries for mothers. Joanna Goddard’s series on motherhood around the world has great insight from women in some of these countries as well: Norway, Sweden, Iceland.
I’d love to hear from mothers who put their career aside for an indefinite amount of time to raise babies. Was it difficult, or the easiest decision ever? Did you go back into the workforce or call it quits for good?
Strange News from Another Star 
I’m having a hard time with this too. I’ve decided to stay home with the baby the first year, and there was a little feeling of loss of identity. There are moments where I’m super happy with this decision (and he isn’t even here yet!) like today when teachers are headed back to school and I’m still in sweatpants. I do worry about it being isolating and worrying about finances, but everyone keeps telling me this will be one of the best things I’ve ever done. We will see. :)
I can say that I know exactly how you are feeling. I have been a stay at home mom for almost 3 years now. My daughter turns three in a couple weeks. I didn’t give up my career per say, I got pregnant during college. I love being a stay at home mom but you’re under appreciated and it’s draining. But it’s also worth it, completely worth it! I have used this time as a stay at home mom to continue on with college. I take all my courses online and stay enrolled full time. I knew when I had children I would want to raise them instead of daycare so in a sense it has worked or for me. I just had a child sooner than I expected. So my goal now is that I will stay home until my daughter starts kindergarten which is 2 years away. According to my planned courses and timeline, when she starts school I should just be finished up with my bachelors degree and mandatory internship. The internship 99% of the time turns into a full time paid position. Even if it doesn’t, I think I will be able to find a job without to much of a hassle. I am eager to start my career so I guess I have put that on hold to be a stay at home but I try not to have any regrets about it. For my family it works better this way and I know before long it’ll be my time for my career. I’m enjoying these moments with her while I can, they are only young once.
I had a baby who was…different (11 years later, he was diagnosed on the autism spectrum). I just knew he cried. All. The. Time. So, I ended up not going back to work after maternity leave. It was difficult, financially, but emotionally it was a huge relief because I did what was best for us. After a year, I could just tell he was ready for daycare. I ended up getting hired at another company, having another baby, and paying $25k/year for daycare for two. I left that job for a dream job, and stayed five years before juggling my FT job and my partner’s unpredictable freelance schedule got to be too much. We saved money by no longer having daycare for two kids, and no longer having our primary wage earner, my husband, have to alternate with me to take the kids to appointments or to miss work when they were sick. I’ve been a SAHM & freelancer since the kids were 6 & 8, and it’s been six years. I had the privilege to be able to do this, as my husband can support the four of us with his freelance wages. Other people don’t have a choice. I’ve found that my kids really do need me at this age, emotionally if not logistically, and I’m grateful to be able to be home with them.