Lessons from my first year of motherhood


Can you believe it? Alexander Richard Royce is turning 1 this Sunday. Oh dear oh dear, where did the time go. I’ve been thinking back a lot to the time just leading up to his birth and sorta feeling wistful. After you’ve had kids, you begin to miss the incredibly mundane shit of your old life. Parenthood is so fundamentally weird, it’s amazing to me that so many people do it. But it’s also a time of extreme personal growth and discovery. I’ve learned a lot of things I hope will help other parents just starting out.

It gets better.

It’s what everyone tells you in the first couple months. First you have to get through the first month, then the first three months, then the first six months, etc… There’s always obstacles to overcome. But your baby doesn’t stay tiny and helpless forever. Alex is now a robust young lad. He can climb up and down the stairs without help. He actually climbs on everything and back down and we haven’t had a fall yet. He engages with the books we read him. He can play the glockenspiel (you know, sorta). He can hold his own bottle and feed himself food. He has a sense of humor and makes us laugh. Our jobs as parents are so much different now than they were when he was tiny. Yesterday I was tossing him on some pillows and tickling him and he was shrieking with laughter. When you get to that stage, it’s so fun and rewarding. We know Alex now.

You have to take it one day at a time.

In the beginning, when we’d be winding down for bed, I started to dread the next day. Alex was tough to figure out at first and when I was alone with him for 8 hour days it was terrifying and isolating. Eventually I learned just to take it one minute at a time. He’s fed and freshly diapered? OK. That’s good enough for right now. Then I would take it an hour at a time, and then a day. I still take it just a day at a time. Some nights he goes down for bed at 6:30pm, and doesn’t wake up for a feeding until 4:30am. Doesn’t sound ideal, but it’s better than the nights when he wakes up at 9:30, and then 11:15, and maybe he just doesn’t go back to sleep for hours. I take those small comforts and sustain myself on them. I know not every day will go well, but it’s just a day, and the next day will be different.

It’s weird the stuff I tolerate now.

Just a couple weeks ago I was putting Alex to bed by myself because Alan was out working late. I fed him some supper, diapered him, dressed him for bed, read him books and was giving him a bottle in the dark, our bedtime routine. And then it happened. He vomited all over himself, and me, and the chair, and the floor. I had no idea what to do but I had to do something so I laid him in his crib and even though he was an absolute mess and upset, I was calm. I smiled at Alex and reassured him that it was fine. I peeled my shirt off and threw it on the floor. I undressed him and put him in the bath. That’s the kind of scenario I would’ve dreaded thinking about finding myself in. When it happens though? You just go with it. I’ve dealt with monster poops and being puked on now more times than I can count.


Being a working mom makes me a better mom.

I know lots of women feel this way, and I know lots of women feel completely whole as a full time mom. This is something I struggled with. I felt guilty for wanting to get away, but just being a caregiver was not fulfilling for me. I had a longer maternity leave than most women in America, and that was valuable in getting to know this little guy, but it also meant that returning to work was something I really wanted and was ready for. Now the time I spend with him feels like better quality. We play and giggle together. I feed him his dinner. I’m happy to cuddle with him in the middle of the night for feedings. Part of it is just the passing of time and feeling more comfortable as a mom, but it’s also that I get to be creatively fulfilled now. And I like that I can do a coffee run and it’s not a whole thing.

Take lots of photos and video (don’t necessarily share all of them).

I mean hey, it’s your life, your kid. Share what you want. Since having a baby, I LOVE seeing other peoples’ pictures of their babies. But I personally feel self conscious about spamming my feeds with pictures of Alex. This year my Instagram has seen a lot of him, admittedly, but I always tried to accompany photos with an anecdote, or, when I posted a video, it had to be a GOOD video (like this video of him taking his first steps or this one where he sees the kitty after a nap.) But I can’t recommend enough taking a ton of photos and video for yourself. You will forget a lot about this time, and especially the little details. And take selfies (or better yet, selfie vids!). Of you and your kid. He likes to see himself and you’ll appreciate them later on.


Make time for #SelfCare. Seriously!

Since having a baby I have discovered (or rediscovered rather) that I fucking love being pampered. Massages, pedicures. Boom. Before the summer, I was getting a massage every 4-6 weeks. My body was broken from carrying, delivering and caring for this big baby. In weeks and months before he was born I was getting prenatal massages and pedicures. You do what you can to make yourself feel human, because motherhood definitely beats you down in the beginning. Doing something for yourself, even if it’s running errands without the baby, is healthy. TREAT YO SELF. And dad deserves a break too. Any time Alan expresses a desire to go hang out with friends or whatever, I support that. Parents still need to have their own lives. We have to recharge ourselves.

You lose part of yourself, but you find a new part.

The last year I’ve gone through an identity crisis and emerged as a more confident, capable woman. Trying to settle into the new role of “mom” was unbelievably difficult. i was trying to figure out how to fit this new identity alongside my old one. I sometimes really grieve for my old life. I worry sometimes that I had a baby at a time when my career was on the rise and I lost all that momentum and now I have to fight my way back in. There’s so much anxiety that comes with becoming a mother.

But ultimately, being a mother has improved my character. I’m more patient, more responsible, more driven, creative and focused, and I genuinely love doing “mom stuff”. And I’m finding that I can take the parts of me that I love from my old life and still have them as a mom. I like being a mom with tattoos and a cool creative career. I like listening to David Bowie with my baby and dressing him in my color scheme. I liked having a weekly photo. We found a way to fit Alex into our lives instead of having to change ours.

Finally, I want to share a bit of wisdom that someone shared with me when I was seeking career advice that I think relates well to parenthood too. Because everyone wonders if they’ll be a good parent and how they’ll possibly cope with this enormous responsibility.

If you can, then you should. If you must, then you will.


Help! I need bangs.


I haven’t chronicled my hair progress in a while, but just be rest assured: it’s very long now. It’s also been bleached, and I have an undercut, and for the most part I wear it up in a top knot, because I don’t know what else to do with it! And I’m kind of bored with it but I also want to keep growing it out.

And on top of that, I have those gross little flyaways that happens to women after they have a baby.  I am in a RUT, I tell you. So, I decided I might as well try something new and get BANGS. This is a SIGNIFICANT time in a grown woman’s life. Screen Shot 2017-10-19 at 9.23.46 AM

I was thinking about the character Joi from Blade Runner 2049 and she had some bangs I was really digging. Maybe I should get something like that? InStyle has this super handy guide where you get the right bangs for your face shape, and not like, the ones you just prefer, you know? Because all women are basically just blank canvases (I have a similar gripe with “the right jeans for your body” like fuck off). I don’t really know what shape my face is. Is it kind of square? Anyway, I narrowed down the choices:


I’m in the mood to do something radical, and I feel like I want to get some short straight bangs like No. 3. Yeah??? No. 4 is kinda too early-2000s and No. 1 is too “beauty blogger”. 2 and 3 have some personality.

What do you think?? Help!


Hearth & Hand™ at Target


Photos courtesy of Target

I went to my beloved local department store website today. I think my intentions were to find some drawer organizers for Alex’s room. Ha! So innocent. Instead I noticed the lookbook was available for Chip and Joanna Gaines’ home collection Hearth & Hand™ With Magnolia and I was like “Eh, let’s check this out.” I mean, I do like Fixer Upper. Sometimes the decor’s a bit more rustic than I like, and I am wary of the Gaines’ political leaningsbut my friends, I am INTO this collection. Every new thing I saw I was like “I want that.” I rounded up some of my favorite items (it was hard). The collection goes live November 5.



How are you doing?


Good morning! Happy Tuesday! Look at that, it’s not Monday anymore. We’re gonna make it through this week, through this year, I promise you.

I’m sure most everyone can relate, but looking on Facebook or Twitter, you feel like you’re seeing the slow deterioration of society. There’s horrific deadly explosions in the middle east, there’s a sitting United States president who would’ve turned our government into a dictatorship if he were only smart enough, there’s the revelation that pretty much every woman you know has at some time experienced sexual harassment or assault. We might be on the cusp of a nuclear war, and climate change is not stopping. And Puerto Rico is still largely without power or clean drinking water. What a bummer. We’re living in bummer times.

If you’re like me, you’ve been feeling the weight of the world’s problems on your shoulders. I feel like I need to care about everything equally, because I’m terrified of becoming complacent. We’re living in a time where we get a first hand look, daily, of the magnitude of human suffering. That’s a terrible realization, isn’t it?

I just try to remember that I can’t solve all of the world’s problems. I can do what I can. I can donate to Puerto Rico hurricane relief. 

So please, make sure you’re practicing some self care. For me I practice in little ways like getting myself a Starbucks everyday. Bigger things might be a pedicure during the week or occasionally a massage. I also love when the weather gets cooler and I put on some lovely old Renaissance music (Spotify has a great playlist even). It’s peaceful and cozy.

But most importantly: Get away from the computer and go somewhere to be around regular people. You’ll be surprised at how normal things can be when you’re not saturated in death and hatred and bigotry.


My home office refresh

OFFICE-1Happy Hump Day (ugh)! I’m still decompressing after my insane trip to the Canadian Rockies last week, plus I’ve got some actual work to do, so blogging is unfortunately taking a bit of a hit. I need to sit down and map out some content because I love this blog and want to see it flourish.

Anyway. It’s looking pretty likely that I’ll be working from home for the foreseeable future, which I’m pretty pleased about. I have a nice little work wardrobe for when I have to go to meetings, but I also like wearing leggings and sweatshirts and getting coffee and listening to anything I want loudly. Plus working freelance is going to give me a chance to work on my new photography instagram account, so I’ll be able to drive around the area taking photos when I’m not working. It’s going to be great!


Because of this, I wanted my office to get a big refresh. I had issues with my desk wobbling; the cheapo IKEA legs were causing that, so I upgraded to something much sturdier (and lemme tell ya: they don’t wobble). I also had a tendency to load a bunch of crap on my desk, so I slapped a couple of these cool little hexagon cork tiles up on the walls. And I suppose the most significant change was moving my desk to the wall under the window. As a reminder here’s what it was looking like before:

OFFICE-1A big ol mess. OFFICE-6OFFICE-9OFFICE-10I got a little wheelie cart for all my food photography props. My plan for this part of the room is to use it as a studio part time. So I’ll have a backdrop and lighting, and having things on wheels will make it easy to clear the space. The desk has wheels too!OFFICE-11OFFICE-12OFFICE-13I didn’t want to go overboard on spending. So I got a few things to make the space more useable, such as this desk riser (with drawers), this headphone stand and these little bins. I splurged a little on a few ornamental desk organizers, like this lovely little cup, this brass stand and these bookendsOFFICE-14OFFICE-17OFFICE-8OFFICE-2
%d bloggers like this: