Alex will be 6 months (!) on Saturday.
Recently I was at Target (by MYSELF in the MIDDLE OF THE DAY) and breezed through the newborn isle, chock full of tiny onesies and muslin swaddles and little blankies and I thought, “I don’t need anything here.” Somehow right now my Instagram feed has become more crowded with little sweet snoozing newborn babies and I can still sort of remember what Alex’s little body felt like in my arms when he was just a potato.
I’m eagerly awaiting a future where he can toddle around and I can read a story to him and he understands, instead of just reaching for the book and trying to chew on it but actually just poking himself in the eye. I’m excited to bring him to the cabin, and celebrate his first birthday, and take him to cut down our Christmas tree (for real this time).
And I want right now to just stay right now for a little bit.
I’m constantly in a state of wanting things to move along, while wishing they could stay the same. Our first week, I remember saying to Alan “I want him to stay this size forever and ever.” He smelled sooooo good, and he was so soft and warm. He wasn’t wobbling around in my arms and headbutting me in the mouth yet. But also right now I’d LOVE him to stay him the same. He sits on the floor, content to grab things and look at the cat, and he smiles and coos at me when I get his attention.
I want him to stay napping even though I miss playing with him at the same time.
I’m exhausted and want him to get to the stage where his napping is just a little more regular, more predictable. I’m excited and nervous at the same time to start solids, or to stop using the infant car seat, because it’ll just be one more sign that this baby’s growth is a runaway freight train that I can’t stop. I’m so paralyzed by sentimentality that I wonder if the rest of my life I’m doomed to mark every new milestone simultaneously with mourning and elation. I want to be in all these places at once, and I can’t be, and that’s a difficult thing to accept.
It’s been a huge struggle, these first six months, and for better or worse, I’ve felt every conceivable emotion. The lows are so low and the highs are sky-high. But I’m grateful to feel. Your mind and body go through the most unimaginable changes when you have a baby and while I’ve had serious reservations, I feel like I would still absolutely have like, 10 more babies.
But none of them will be Alexander Richard Royce. Happy Half Birthday, sweet babe.